Another Day in the Life I Don’t Really Deserve

KID: Dad, did you have girlfriends before Mom?Screen Shot 2014-11-18 at 9.06.44 AM

DAD: Yes, but we broke up.

KID: I bet they were all, “YES!”

*pumps fist*

 

(See also: http://wp.me/pJdsk-OJ)

 

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In Light of the Impressive Television Ratings from Brady vs. Manning XVI, the National Football League is Considering These Other Potentially Historic Match-Ups.

Andy Dalton vs. Direct Sunlight

Drew Brees vs. Something Way Up High on a Shelf

Jay Cutler vs. Actually Giving a Shit

Kyle Orton vs. A Long, Hot Shower

Johnny Manziel vs. The Little Voice Inside His Head That Says, “Try Not To Be Such a Dick.”

Ben Roethlisberger vs. That Ultimate Fighting Woman Whom I’d Pay to See Beat His Ass

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A Halloween safety tip for all you parents out there: Be sure to check your little goblin’s bag for the following Failed Candies.

Creamed Candy Corn

Shittles®

Polish Fish

Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Pixies’ DicksScreen Shot 2014-10-28 at 10.10.58 AM

Butterfinger Shocker

Jizzlers

Farties

Milk Dudes

Pieces of Reese Witherspoon

 

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#TerribleCereals

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 1.06.44 PM• Cicada Crunch

• PooBerry

• Cocoa Puss

• Apple Jackoffs

• Sugar Frosted Al Cowlings

• Manti Te’Os

• Fruit ‘n’ Fibromyalgia

• Fruit & Fiber & Abercrombie & Fitch

• Uncle Sam Cereal (But the other Uncle Sam who touched you inappropriately that one Thanksgiving.)

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You Learn Something New Every Day: July 22, 2014.

"How YOU doin'?"

“How YOU doin’?”

Today, I learned that beaver anal juice – “castoreum” – is a common taste enhancer in raspberry-flavored foods.

And that rimming a beaver is surprisingly fruity!

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Alone in the Suburbs, Day 1

Screen Shot 2014-07-14 at 12.40.49 PM

The long weekend was finally upon me. I bid farewell to my wife and children. They would be spending the next few days with the inlaws, leaving me with a list of things to do around the house, and an empty hole in my heart. 

But mostly that list.

Can a man fend for himself without human interaction, hot food or clean underpants? And will he wait to cut the lawn until about ten minutes before they’re due back? 

 At age 48, I intended to find out.

 

Screen Shot 2014-07-14 at 12.56.14 PMHe was truly… Alone in the Suburbs.  They even took the fucking dog. But he would endure. He would even consider filming his one man odyssey with the help of an iphone mounted on a tripod and that app that makes everything look like an old home movie like the one that guy made about living all by himself in Alaska for like a year or something. But then he thought, “too much work.”

 

DAY ONE: I arose bright and early, getting right to work fashioning my own primitive tools. I carved a mallet head out of a block of wood, augured a hole into it, and fitted a handle.

Actually, I slept until about noon, and I’m not really sure what augured means.

When I awoke, I was anxious to get to the couch to see if there was anything good on ESPN2.

Eventually, I needed to forage for sustenance. I prepared a hearty meal of cheesy taco-flavored pizza rolls and the rest of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Screen Shot 2014-07-14 at 12.54.10 PMBeing lactose intolerant, I spent the next four hours “indisposed.” On the bright side, the bathroom window has a lovely view of the backyard.

I should probably get to that lawn.

As the sun began to set, I thought of all I’d accomplished that day. I had the process of doing dishes down to a science by not actually doing them. And I saved myself any additional work by drinking right from the carton.

(Back to the bathroom.)

Tomorrow should see more working. And less dairy.

 

 

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#FoodBookMashup

The Adventures of Huckleberry Pie

Lord of the Fries

The Catcher in the Ham on Rye

librarianChicken Tender is the Night

It’s Not Deliverance, It’s DiGiorno’s

The Outsliders

Rikki-Tikki-Taco-Salad

Make Way for Pan-Seared Duck in a Delightful Port Reduction

Goodnight Moon Pie

Frog and Toad Taste Like Chicken

Lemony Snickerdoodles: A Series of Unfortunate Desserts

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Diner on 46th and 9th

Winnie-the-Poo-Poo-Platter

 

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