I think I figured out world peace.

People don’t like to feel stupid.

Republicans don’t like Democrats because Dems make them look heartless, greedy and dumb. Democrats don’t like Republicans because Republicans portray them as naive fools. You Southerners don’t like Yankees when we dismiss y’all as uneducated rednecks. Certainly Northerners don’t appreciate being thought of as pasty, boorish barbarians. Speaking of Yankees, rivals in sports don’t like each other because, inevitably, one will lose and feel inferior. That’s an easy one. Jocks don’t want to feel dumb, nerds hate being laughed at. (And called nerds.)

It all hit me one day. In my town, just about everybody hated my son’s little league coaches. Other coaches, parents, they all talked shit about these two guys. Was it because the team always won? I don’t think so. I think it was how they won. These guys are smart. They know the game inside and out, and they outthink you at every step. So you feel stupid. And when you feel stupid, do you think to yourself, “Maybe it’s me. Maybe I need to be better?” No, you just trash the other guys as jerks. You gossip about them. You bomb their villages.

Jews, Muslims, Christians. Same dif.

And then, on another day – today, in fact – it hit me again. Nobody hates Buddhists, right? Why is that? Is it because they don’t hate anybody? Because they’re kind and loving and don’t make you feel stupid? (Also they don’t coach little league baseball.)

Screen Shot 2014-08-19 at 11.12.33 AMPeople don’t like to feel stupid.

That’s it. I think I’ve figured out the secret to world peace. So let’s all go out and be blown away by how interesting and creative and funny and wicked smart everyone around us is.

And then let’s tell them.


Or maybe I’m just blathering on about something that’s incredibly obvious and now I feel stupid.

And I hate you.

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Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 1.06.44 PM• Cicada Crunch

• PooBerry

• Cocoa Puss

• Apple Jackoffs

• Sugar Frosted Al Cowlings

• Manti Te’Os

• Fruit ‘n’ Fibromyalgia

• Fruit & Fiber & Abercrombie & Fitch

• Uncle Sam Cereal (But the other Uncle Sam who touched you inappropriately that one Thanksgiving.)

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You Learn Something New Every Day: July 22, 2014.

"How YOU doin'?"

“How YOU doin’?”

Today, I learned that beaver anal juice – “castoreum” – is a common taste enhancer in raspberry-flavored foods.

And that rimming a beaver is surprisingly fruity!

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Alone in the Suburbs, Day 1

Screen Shot 2014-07-14 at 12.40.49 PM

The long weekend was finally upon me. I bid farewell to my wife and children. They would be spending the next few days with the inlaws, leaving me with a list of things to do around the house, and an empty hole in my heart. 

But mostly that list.

Can a man fend for himself without human interaction, hot food or clean underpants? And will he wait to cut the lawn until about ten minutes before they’re due back? 

 At age 48, I intended to find out.


Screen Shot 2014-07-14 at 12.56.14 PMHe was truly… Alone in the Suburbs.  They even took the fucking dog. But he would endure. He would even consider filming his one man odyssey with the help of an iphone mounted on a tripod and that app that makes everything look like an old home movie like the one that guy made about living all by himself in Alaska for like a year or something. But then he thought, “too much work.”


DAY ONE: I arose bright and early, getting right to work fashioning my own primitive tools. I carved a mallet head out of a block of wood, augured a hole into it, and fitted a handle.

Actually, I slept until about noon, and I’m not really sure what augured means.

When I awoke, I was anxious to get to the couch to see if there was anything good on ESPN2.

Eventually, I needed to forage for sustenance. I prepared a hearty meal of cheesy taco-flavored pizza rolls and the rest of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Screen Shot 2014-07-14 at 12.54.10 PMBeing lactose intolerant, I spent the next four hours “indisposed.” On the bright side, the bathroom window has a lovely view of the backyard.

I should probably get to that lawn.

As the sun began to set, I thought of all I’d accomplished that day. I had the process of doing dishes down to a science by not actually doing them. And I saved myself any additional work by drinking right from the carton.

(Back to the bathroom.)

Tomorrow should see more working. And less dairy.



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The Adventures of Huckleberry Pie

Lord of the Fries

The Catcher in the Ham on Rye

librarianChicken Tender is the Night

It’s Not Deliverance, It’s DiGiorno’s

The Outsliders


Make Way for Pan-Seared Duck in a Delightful Port Reduction

Goodnight Moon Pie

Frog and Toad Taste Like Chicken

Lemony Snickerdoodles: A Series of Unfortunate Desserts

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Diner on 46th and 9th



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If You Give a Pig A Packed Lunch

Screen Shot 2012-09-28 at 2.43.13 PMIf you wear your glasses on a string around your neck so you don’t lose them, you’re old.

If you’re old, you probably eat applesauce.

If you eat applesauce, you’ll inevitably spill some.

If you spill some applesauce, it will land on your glasses on a string around your neck because you’re old.

The whole mess will remind you of a children’s book series, and give you an idea for a sequel.

So you’ll start writing about it on your blog while eating more applesauce.

And chances are, if you write about it on your blog while eating more applesauce, you’ll spill some on your glasses on a string around your neck so you don’t lose them because you’re old.


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Top 10 Fake World Cup Facts

Screen Shot 2014-06-13 at 10.20.16 AM• Trophy modeled after image of Hamlet holding skull of Yorick, striker for Elsinore United.


• 12% of all players in World Cup once in Menudo.


• Traditional post-game exchange of jerseys dates back to that one guy who was into that kinda shit.


• Collect three yellow cards and win a complete set of flatware.


• American soccer fans not this excited about anything since Capri Sun’s new clear bottom.


• National anthem of Columbia actually that one Eric Clapton song.


• Average player runs up to 7 miles in one game, still gets shot by as many as 3 snipers.


• Head of stadium security actually the guy who used to stand out in front of the Sbarro at the food court in Paramus Mall.


• 92% of US fans who travel to Sau Paulo bring cooler full of HotPockets and Sunny D so they won’t have to leave the room after dark.


• Inside official game ball: nougat.


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Where the Tweets Have No Name

DAY 1 (Good Morning, Dubai!)

• Sitting next to @Bono on flight. Talking about healthcare, poverty & what’s up with the turkey burgers at Johnny Rockets? I KNOW, RIGHT?!

• On the ground. Dubai airport is amazing. @Bono thinks they could use a Cinnabon. Most down-to-earth Humanitarian Rock God ever.

• Dubai is, like, REALLY hot. @Bono would kill for an Orangina right about now. #YouDoKnowDrPepperIsMadeFromPrunes,Right?

• The man is THE MAN everywhere. Little kids coming up to us on the street asking him to sing “Lemon.” #NoAccountingForTaste

• Dinner w/ client at Al Mahara in the Burj Al Arab. Concierge advises “smart casual.” Khakis & button-down 4me. @Bono goes w/ FRANKIE SAYS RELAX. “No, not douchey at all, B.”


DAY 2 (Meetings, Meetings, Meetings.)

• 10-NOON. Campaign overview & first look at creative. @Bono fancies himself a copywriter. He reminds me that he wrote “11 o’Clock Tick Tock.” I defer.

• Lunch is served. How does the man keep it off? Swear to God he ate the parker house roll right off my plate when I wasn’t looking.

• 2-4PM. Review media plan then cut out early. Swimming at a manmade island that looks like palm tree from the air. 3rd frond from the left. @Bono loses glasses & sarong.

• @Bono calls my room. Says we should blow off dinner w/ client and hit the Shakey’s. I convince him otherwise with bribe of karaoke.

• Dinner at Ayam Zaman at the Royal Ascot. @Bono inhales his matchbous and half of client’s ghuzi. For dessert we split the mehalabiya. (He picks out pistachios, puts in pocket. WTF?

• Bowling a couple frames with some kids at Magic Planet in the huge Deira City Centre mall over on Al Garhoud. @Bono picks up the 7-10 split. #ButNotTheTab

• Karaoke at Harry’s Ghatto’s. I go with Helen Reddy, @Bono butchers Viva la Vida. Nobody notices him. Must be the new glasses.

• Man, drinks are expensive here. @Bono pulls out a bottle of Potter’s Peach Schnapps he grabbed at Duty Free. #Genius


DAY 3 (It’s Been Real.)

• Can’t recall anything after 3AM. Rushing to airport solo. Note in pocket: “Caught early flight. Sleep is for pussies. Remember: What happens in Dubai…”


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The lost lyrics of Rupert, the hypochondriac, manic-depressive 6th Beatle.

♫ ♪  Desmond has a barrow in the market place

Molly is the singer in a band   ♫ ♪

♫ ♪   Desmond says to Molly, “Girl I like your face”

And Molly says, “Piss off, creep.”

The end.


♫ ♪   Well my heart went boom

When I crossed that room   ♫ ♪

Is it hot in here?

And what’s this shooting pain in my left arm?



♫ ♪   Listen

Do you want to know a secret?   ♫ ♪

♫ ♪  Do you promise not to tell?

Whoa-oh, oh I’m so lonely 



Something in the way she moves,

I think it might be rickets


♫ ♪   We all live in a yellow submarine,

with only 12 minutes of oxygen left


♫ ♪   ob-la-di ob-la-da,

life goes on,   ♫ ♪

and on,

♫ ♪   one disappointment after another,

until you die, broken and alone.   ♫ ♪



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