A Halloween safety tip for all you parents out there: Be sure to check your little goblin’s bag for the following Failed Candies.

Creamed Candy Corn

Shittles®

Polish Fish

Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Pixies’ DicksScreen Shot 2014-10-28 at 10.10.58 AM

Butterfinger Shocker

Jizzlers

Farties

Milk Dudes

Pieces of Reese Witherspoon

 

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Hey, Kid. Be your own role model.

Adrian Peterson has just been indicted for child abuse. Ray Rice beat his fiancé. Oscar Pistorius was found guilty of “culpable homicide.”

Some years back, Nike and Charles Barkley started the conversion: Can an athlete also be a role model? Should you idolize someone because he can run fast and jump high and hit a ball a frickin’ mile? There are a lot of not-so-great people out there playing sports. And yes, there are a whole lot of good ones, too.

So whom do you put on a pedestal?

Actors? Like Philip Seymour Hoffman, Lindsay Lohan, one of the many assorted Coreys?

Jimi Hendrix was a special talent, but a role model?

William Burroughs sure could write. And use heroin. And sell it.

Can businesspeople inspire? Bernie Madoff inspired my friend’s nest egg right down the drain.

Every day, another middle school teacher is becoming “romantically involved” with a student.

Police officers are just as bad – and good – as the rest of us.

So maybe you leave the pedestal empty, son. Maybe you look up to yourself, daughter.

Be your own role model, kid.

(I want to be just like you.)

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#TerribleCereals

Screen Shot 2014-07-23 at 1.06.44 PM• Cicada Crunch

• PooBerry

• Cocoa Puss

• Apple Jackoffs

• Sugar Frosted Al Cowlings

• Manti Te’Os

• Fruit ‘n’ Fibromyalgia

• Fruit & Fiber & Abercrombie & Fitch

• Uncle Sam Cereal (But the other Uncle Sam who touched you inappropriately that one Thanksgiving.)

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You Learn Something New Every Day: July 22, 2014.

"How YOU doin'?"

“How YOU doin’?”

Today, I learned that beaver anal juice – “castoreum” – is a common taste enhancer in raspberry-flavored foods.

And that rimming a beaver is surprisingly fruity!

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Alone in the Suburbs, Day 1

Screen Shot 2014-07-14 at 12.40.49 PM

The long weekend was finally upon me. I bid farewell to my wife and children. They would be spending the next few days with the inlaws, leaving me with a list of things to do around the house, and an empty hole in my heart. 

But mostly that list.

Can a man fend for himself without human interaction, hot food or clean underpants? And will he wait to cut the lawn until about ten minutes before they’re due back? 

 At age 48, I intended to find out.

 

Screen Shot 2014-07-14 at 12.56.14 PMHe was truly… Alone in the Suburbs.  They even took the fucking dog. But he would endure. He would even consider filming his one man odyssey with the help of an iphone mounted on a tripod and that app that makes everything look like an old home movie like the one that guy made about living all by himself in Alaska for like a year or something. But then he thought, “too much work.”

 

DAY ONE: I arose bright and early, getting right to work fashioning my own primitive tools. I carved a mallet head out of a block of wood, augured a hole into it, and fitted a handle.

Actually, I slept until about noon, and I’m not really sure what augured means.

When I awoke, I was anxious to get to the couch to see if there was anything good on ESPN2.

Eventually, I needed to forage for sustenance. I prepared a hearty meal of cheesy taco-flavored pizza rolls and the rest of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Screen Shot 2014-07-14 at 12.54.10 PMBeing lactose intolerant, I spent the next four hours “indisposed.” On the bright side, the bathroom window has a lovely view of the backyard.

I should probably get to that lawn.

As the sun began to set, I thought of all I’d accomplished that day. I had the process of doing dishes down to a science by not actually doing them. And I saved myself any additional work by drinking right from the carton.

(Back to the bathroom.)

Tomorrow should see more working. And less dairy.

 

 

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#FoodBookMashup

The Adventures of Huckleberry Pie

Lord of the Fries

The Catcher in the Ham on Rye

librarianChicken Tender is the Night

It’s Not Deliverance, It’s DiGiorno’s

The Outsliders

Rikki-Tikki-Taco-Salad

Make Way for Pan-Seared Duck in a Delightful Port Reduction

Goodnight Moon Pie

Frog and Toad Taste Like Chicken

Lemony Snickerdoodles: A Series of Unfortunate Desserts

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Diner on 46th and 9th

Winnie-the-Poo-Poo-Platter

 

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If You Give a Pig A Packed Lunch

Screen Shot 2012-09-28 at 2.43.13 PMIf you wear your glasses on a string around your neck so you don’t lose them, you’re old.

If you’re old, you probably eat applesauce.

If you eat applesauce, you’ll inevitably spill some.

If you spill some applesauce, it will land on your glasses on a string around your neck because you’re old.

The whole mess will remind you of a children’s book series, and give you an idea for a sequel.

So you’ll start writing about it on your blog while eating more applesauce.

And chances are, if you write about it on your blog while eating more applesauce, you’ll spill some on your glasses on a string around your neck so you don’t lose them because you’re old.

Again.

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Top 10 Fake World Cup Facts

Screen Shot 2014-06-13 at 10.20.16 AM• Trophy modeled after image of Hamlet holding skull of Yorick, striker for Elsinore United.

 

• 12% of all players in World Cup once in Menudo.

 

• Traditional post-game exchange of jerseys dates back to that one guy who was into that kinda shit.

 

• Collect three yellow cards and win a complete set of flatware.

 

• American soccer fans not this excited about anything since Capri Sun’s new clear bottom.

 

• National anthem of Columbia actually that one Eric Clapton song.

 

• Average player runs up to 7 miles in one game, still gets shot by as many as 3 snipers.

 

• Head of stadium security actually the guy who used to stand out in front of the Sbarro at the food court in Paramus Mall.

 

• 92% of US fans who travel to Sau Paulo bring cooler full of HotPockets and Sunny D so they won’t have to leave the room after dark.

 

• Inside official game ball: nougat.

 

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